Epiphanising

Life .. without the universe and everything..

2009-08-20T01:51:00.000-07:00

Lets face it.

We’re all very silly little people.

With very silly short-term goals.. no matter what our theoretical good intentions are.

Which is all the more reason for us (okay me) to find a Purpose in life. Yeah, one with a capital P n all. Well, easier said than done. Trust me. Because I have the attention span of a goldfish with Alzheimer’s. So minutes after some (metaphorical) sparkly thing whooshes by, you’ve pretty much lost me - Hey! Have we met?! No .. right?

Kidding.

I’m not that bad. Really. But my point is, it’s all too easy to get caught up in the mundanities of life. And there are entirely and absurdly Too Many of those running at us full speed and it’s all we have time for to get from one monotonous day to another.

And before you know it you’re stuck with a bunch of EMI payments and phamily commitments. And bigger picture .. what’s that?

and This .. is a really sad state of affairs… because when we lose the bigger picture..
And give up on fantastic ideals and flamboyant air-castles… what’s left to live for?

We Just Moved!

2009-07-20T04:50:00.000-07:00

New address. New Agenda.

What follows is the very official spanking new Plan for this blog.
Which I probably won’t follow, of course.
But hey, you can’t blame a girl for trying.

- First, I learn to write in sentences. Instead of fragments separated by an absurd number of ‘3-dots’. I mean its pretty shameful to still write like some retarded teenager sms-ing her BFFs. U knw wt i mn hny-bun?
- Be either useful or fun. As the Indian education system has proven to me that you can’t have Both. Nah-uh.
- No inappropriate or incriminating content that will make my current/future employers cringe and then fire me right away. ( This rule wasn’t adopted by choice of course. Bloody search engines. *pouts* * also secretly sends a fervent apology prayer to The Search Engine Gods for blaspheming* )
- Seriously consider being an anonymous blogger. Why? Refer above statement. What’s the fun in being appropriate anyway.

So, until I can get around to implementing my Plan. Adios.
And in case you’re wondering. I did make that header image.
In photoshop, Not MS-Paint. ThankYouVeryMuch.
And the point of it? To throw off people. Have the innocent hand-drawn nonsense distract from my biting wit and evil,devious plans and ramblings.

of birthdays, weddings and first jobs

2009-05-28T21:46:00.001-07:00

happy birthday to meee... mee mee ..meeee :)

The dramatic countdown to my birthday is here!

this year is significant ... cuz im of legal marriageable and liquor drinking age in this country...
coincidence? i think not
not that the legalities matter to me.. marriage is far away and the liquor's been around for a while now..

anyhoo... moving on.. to the important things.. like my birthday wishlist..

this wishlist is not merely a virtual fancy.. its meant to function somewhat like the wedding registry concept of western weddings..
preventing clueless friends and acquaintances from buying that hideous wall clock or a pointless porcelain girl figurine or an ugly stuffed animal for INR 99

Yep.. the wedding registry ranks right up there among the Few Useful Things Americans Thought Of along with KFC, deep dish pizzas, sports cars and bourbon whiskey ..

It seems strange how much wedding references keep cropping up these days..
ok actually not that strange .. considering my entirely-too-young roommate just got married yesterday.. MARRIED..

and while her life changes dramatically and irreversibly ... I lounge around my room idly contemplating the relative merits/necessity of getting a layer trim..
SO weird and unhinging … right?? Well I’m dealing with it in the best way i can ... by pretending that nothing happened …

Abject denial works most of the time… somewhat..

So do sparkly distractions … like birthday presents :)

here's my slightly over-ambitious wishlist...

• ipod nano – its an excess.. a brilliant beautiful unavoidable one

• e71/blackberry – Need. Desperately.

• Amazon Kindle – Books in a gadget ?? bring it On!

• Sparkly gold bikini – interesting yes??

• Vintage or leatherbound editions of my fav books – do I need a reason?

• Overpriced oversized designer handbag – the nomadic turtle in me needs this.

• Ray Ban Aviators – one that doesn’t make me look like a space insect or Cyclops ( the x-men one ) or Rajnikant’s village cousin trying to look cool.

• Decadent silk-satin sheets – so that the poverty stops where the dreams begin :)

• M.A.C gift vouchers – if its gonna be a gift vouchers.. it better be this.. or Landmark’s :)

• Jimmy Choos – okay who am I kidding… I’m never getting out of my ACGs

• A puppy! - cuz potted plants and goldfish just Dont cut it..

And since the title mentions it.. let me quickly mention the first job..

I got a new job. In bangalore. its better than the other job i got.. i think..
I start in two weeks.
And these facts apart.. i'm So excited/freaked that i can't begin to talk about it.. yet..

so until then.. Jai Ho!

(hee hee.. i just wanted to say that Sometime in real life.. the Jai Ho pussycat dolls remix is really the limit :D )

PresenTing the Past of the Future

2009-05-19T00:01:00.001-07:00

from the Pragyan Diaries.

10th february 2009

2 days to D-Day

I’m not gonna lie about this.

Pragyan’s not really my scene.

Has never been.

I know that it is probably the most tactically idiotic thing for the publicity head to say and I can see the rest of the Core Team giving me the evil eye and not-so-secretly plotting a diabolical scheme for my accidental death…. After Pragyan’s over of course… I’m needed till then.

The story of being Core team member, handling three very unwieldy teams over the past 6 months has run the standard course organizing of every other fest…

Camping in Octa.. sleepless nights .. missed classes.. caffeine abuse.. liberal verbal abuse.. a zillion deadlines whooshing by.. the dreaded final countdown..

Yeah yeah .. we’ve heard it all…

By the time you see four editions of a techfest, things look pretty jaded.

So why do it at all?

Some strange primeval schoolkid-like desire for tacky-looking certificates that do nothing but collect dust in a forgotten folder in a carton on the loft?

A pathological yearning to be verbally abused by random seniors on a power trip?

cuz that guy and that guy ..aaand that guy are doing it ??

sheer unadulterated boredom???

I don’t know the answers to this. But I do know that no matter what my twisted, half formed motivations were to begin with.. they’ve led me somewhere I did not expect to land.

Through the million curses and doubts and the bone-numbing exhaustion I can proudly say that I survived.

We survived.

That’s all I need to say. I don’t need to talk about what an unprecedented success this year’s Pragyan was… I don’t need to talk about the precious precious team that made this happen by working through every painful obstacle and miles of tangled red tape. Because it doesnt need to be said.

For in the end I realised… The question was never about capability. It was about choice. And once we made that choice… there was just no stopping us.

Pragyan's HardCORE Truths

2009-02-15T23:42:00.001-08:00

The following piece was written for the techfest magazine that i edit..
The content will be largely unintelligible to anyone who isn't privy to the inside jokes of the pragyan organisation team

I'm adding it here for the sole reason that i'm insanely kicked about the fact that i wrote Something..Anything .. after months and months of trying to do so and failing miserably.. so cheers to me :)

---------------------------------------------------------------

As someone who has been deeply involved in three years of organizing Pragyan, I can confidently say that I’ve seen it all. Been there, done that and regretted it for days after ..the whole gig..
And the years of dealing with the truly stupid, stupidly annoying, annoyingly sincere, sincerely intense, intensely dangerous and very rarely the absolutely trustworthy would’ve taught Anyone not to go digging into the behind-the-scenes stories of Pragyan. But one very insistent Mr.Reportuh McSkeeter repeatedly nagged us till we (my unnamed uncredited minions and I) compiled a report of the ‘Real People’ behind Pragyan 09.

So we set about compiling a report about the Pragyan Fellowship
You’ve all heard of The Fellowship? The nine who set out on a noble task blah blah? No? well you just did.

The first of the nine is...
Presiman Chairman – The boromir equivalent in temperament. Widly passionate- to the extent of maniacal devotion. Known for his heroic organizational, bartering and cow-chasing skills

then, Opiatus Asapus Max – The do-er of the group. Survives without food, water, sleep and social contact for days on end going purely on nicotine, verbal venting and pragyan-work.

his friend VeryTall ‘treasure’ Tangdi – volatile, organized and stubbornly passionate. Mortals tiptoe around in terror of his righteous wrath but he's indispensable for his solid good taste.

Techgeekus nearEvilus- who’s the technical backbone of the whole operation. Give him a computer and he can do anything you want him to do ( and don’t want him to do)

Qaotic Genie-us - the Nice guy of the group..our very own Pragyan fairy godfather with more than a few magic tricks up his sleeve. The only one who does all his work and still has time to do others' too.

Dev D'Money - deceptively docile-looking, this dedicated dude, whose puppy-dog eyes and convincing skills have blackmailed many of us into doing things we wouldnt do normally.

PRimus Abscondix - the description will be a lot like one of those rare bird docus on national geographic - the much-heard-of but rarely seen.. and so on ..

Biatchus Awesomus - Not much is known about this person except through hearsay. And even there we only heard muttered words like.. &^% ... *^&%$ ... absolutely nuts .. gives me too much work.. her?where?! let's run!

and for those who bother to count and are wondering where the ninth fellowship member is.. well..we asked too.. all we got was a vague,official statement about an unfortunate accident involving an ill-timed pragyan meeting, the clc zoo animals and loads of tomato ketchup..

by

The Reluctant publicist a.ka. SayShoe

to laugh.. or not to laugh...

2008-10-14T10:57:00.001-07:00

I like my sense of humor.

Sure ..it’s a little over-developed and all too easily triggered by the first passing pig in a wig .. but hey we aren’t all perfect. And when it comes to laughs, more is definitely less.

But even I’ve got to admit that it gets pretty puerile once in a while.

Typically… In moments when I can’t really afford it to be.

I’m sure you’ve had one of these moments .. when your boss/professor/person-in-authority-who’s-a-pain-in-the-ass is on one of those ballistic rants which you’re on the receiving end of… and suddenly something they say strikes you as the funniest thing ever .. for a reason known only to yourself (and your imaginary friends..if you had any) and you really, really want to burst out laughing that very moment… but can’t because its suicide of the bad kind ( i.e without the sweet release of death)

Well this is about one of those times.

Except it doesn’t involve my boss or professor or dad.

It involves.. this boy.. whom I can’t name..

So lets just call him.. Notch.

Now .. Notch … was nice .. in parts .. ( read – nice to parts of me )

And he was busy being nice to me one day .. and all was gloriously well.

Until he suddenly leaned close .. and whispered to me .. huskily…

…….. say my name…….

Where any Normal brain would’ve just said ‘oh notch! Oh yeah’ and so on and so forth..

I start to imagine

Hmm what’ll his face his look like if I said

ohh yeah venkatagopalanagasubramaniamlu ! give it to me baby ;)

consequently..I burst out laughing but immediately and prudently control it .. and so it ends up sounding like a choked gurgle..and before he looks up and suspects that I’m actually laughing at him.. I quickly improvise .. recall meg ryan’s amazing ‘faking it’ scene from harry met sally for inspiration .. and manage to blurt out a believable breathy ‘oh notch!’

Dear, sweet, clueless Notch smiles sexily at me and goes back to being nice.

Various thoughts ran thru my head .. such as...

1.Hurrah! …

2.that was close!

3.Hahahahahaha!

4.Oh yeahh notch..do that again

5.Is it normal to ~~be so distracted~~ think so much..while u're.. umm..u know..?

6.Omg! Hilarious!.. I so wanna tell [list of girlfriends] ! ..oh wait.. I’ll blog about it :D

Ergo. This blogpost. * insert smiley with a halo *

confessions of a confused insomniac

2008-10-14T00:25:00.001-07:00

// another old favorite

3rd may 2007 5.12 am

It’s a beautiful midsummer night.
And like all things beautiful, it’s dying.

I look up at the sky ….and look about for the moon.
There it is! just behind the branches of that neem tree.
It’s a dull bronzed red now. That’s Interesting … and Very out of character. Especially considering that it was a happy golden milky round thing just half an hour back.
Hmm ..
I vaguely wonder if I’ve mistaken the sun for the moon.
Nah . Can’t be.
Its on the wrong side of the sky for one. Or Wait. Is it? ..

Okay. Maybe deciding to reverse my sleep cycle completely wasn’t such a good idea. Even the endless cups of coffee aren’t helping the disorientation.
But that’s not why I have the coffee anyways. At least not anymore.
The love affair with the coffee is a far more serious issue.. that one’s called Addiction.

My theory is that everyone’s a slave to Something if you think about it. For some people its Alcohol … Narcotics for some.. then there’s nicotine .. caffeine .. food ..love .. religion .. why even sex ..
Its part of the Great human weakness that you have to serve something ..be it good or bad … otherwise you’ll go mad...So it is the constant we all crave in our lives.
And the form I chose to give to it is a mug of espresso.
which brings us back to… how coffee isn’t working for me anymore .I’m thinking its time for me to move on.
Move onto what?
the love , food , alcohol and other options are either currently unavailable or inappropriate ..
and after not much deliberation I rummage about in the dark for the pack I’d stashed in my room. And my hands chance upon the small cardpaper box.

I take out a cigarette from it, light it and take a drag .. and watch as the tip glows eerily.
The smoke feels thick and vaguely warm going down my throat.. unlike the smooth , hot feel of coffee, I couldn’t help noticing.
And the nicotine goes up and lands a solid kick in my brain .. an odd feeling .. like a bunch of bright lights being turned on in the head .
Again, unlike the gradual, liquid kick coffee offers, like awareness washing over my entire thought process ..
Exhale slowly. And the image of the bronzed red moon shimmers hazily through the cloud of smoke... and suddenly I have this weird mental picture of smoke creeping up into my skull , winding its way into my mind , into my thoughts, melting and tweaking them , even singeing some of them.

I’m not sure I really like this .. this choice of addiction.
I glare at the glowing cigarette in my hand. Maybe it’s the insomnia making me hallucinate and I’m over-reacting. So I decide to give it another chance and take a few more drags … and the feeling of dissatisfaction only intensifies.
I glare at the cigarette harder.
I never really had a problem smoking before. What is it now?
I wonder..

The sky is lighting up slowly… tufts of pink-orange clouds float into the scene .. and in the mellow pre dawn light , I see it , a crushed coffee cup .. and I look at the half-burnt cigarette in my hand .. both of them reminders of my pathetic self-control. Reminders of how weak and dependant I was. And I knew I couldn’t do it anymore .. I realize I’m getting sick of this. This lack of control and self-respect .. the way some ground beans and rolled up tobacco can take control of your life and make you dance to its every beck and call. I see the huge unsaid catch in my theory of addiction.. the catch is that if I’ll go slightly mad without something to serve , I’ll go stark, raving mad because of what I’m serving too. I’ll want, no, Need to be in the throes of the addiction all the time. And if I’m not , the pain of withdrawal will eat at me till I eventually give up any pretence of resistance and crawl back into that place. That sad sad place.

And what I have to do is suddenly very clear to me.

I hurriedly stub the half-burnt cigarette out. Glowing bits of ash fall , jump about and get swept away by a gentle breeze before they die out.

I get up and walk away..

…to the coffee machine.

Who was I kidding ….

Voices in the Head

2008-10-14T00:17:00.001-07:00

// jus to inaugurate... here's an old but favorite entry of mine

// dedicated to all my boys .. luv y'all .. Really ;)

15th september, 07

since i'm supposed to be holed up in my room studying...i've spent the past few days revisiting every one of my semi-hobbies .. and have atlast whittled down to... Writing

so i'm gonna write ... about you ask? ..well .. just stuff ...

nothing significant... come to think of it .. nothing i write is specifically significant... significant to me who is the central and dramatic protagonist in the great tragedy/comedy of my own life .. but noone else ...so to speak..

so why do we write? out of an innate need to vent? show off? please ones ego? ..all three?

a written word is not a conversation or an argument .. where one can oppose us .. or prove us wrong.. in that i suppose writing is sort of an indulgence .. of the big fat triple-tiered frosting-covered chocolate cake kind...

alright .. so we write self appeasing diary entries.. why write stories at all? .. go to all the pain of making up situations ..characters.. plots.. subplots ..and all that fuss ..for what?

so that we can say things that we cant say.. or atleast dont want to say ..

------its not a personal opinion you see.. its just what the character dictated i write --------

thats escapism ... writer's weakness..

and for me ..its a slightly different deal ... i write to give voice to few of the voices in my head ..
yep .. i said voices .. voices belonging to people .. with distinct personalities .. no distinct names though .. havent taken that final step towards insanity ..

right.. so these voices .. they each think that they deserve to run my life.. their life.. our life.. bleargh .. alright .. this life .. according their whims and fancies ... and quite predictably .. disagree on how thats done quite often...

from the men i like .. to the clothes i wear ( Not in order of importance) ..and if at all i make a decision about anything.. its cuz i was lucky enough to have a majority vote ...of course majority vote means only the decisions.. the day-to-day affairs are still torn and rent with confusion and arguments that stretch from here to atlanta ………...its i-like-him today .. and ohmygodwatwasithinking tommorrow... and 'aww he's not so bad' the next day ..and 'why're you in a pity relationship you moron' the next... and so on for a few weeks.. until I ( I being the sane stolid ...alright alright .. the somewhat reflective and trying to be responsible central self) decide to have some backbone and put an end to this farce..

-- move to flashback scene in the distant past when i still dated--

Me1 : thatsiti'mbreakingup...thereheisi'mgonnatellhim

Me2 : oh oh oh wait ... he's got something shiny in his hand...

Me3 : [insert male name] (cuz i dont wanna get sued/beaten up by goondas sent by above-implied ex-boyfriend), tell me that's not a swarovski pendant ..

BOY : *deep male voice laughs* It is my dear [sugary sweet endearment] ! :D (Me1: urghh i cant stand those and he uses em ALL the time)...

Me3: but .. but..

Me1 : oh shuttup you idiot .. take the damn box and kiss his silly mouth shut before he starts honeybun-ing sweetheart-ing all over again

Me3 : but ... i dont even Like him!!

Me1 : That dint stop you from kissing him before!

Me3 : I meant the pendant! Not the kissing!

Me2 : oh .. ok .. right

Me1 : eitherways… So?

Me2 : Actually.. yea..... your point being?

Me3 : its not fair!

Me1 : Since when are you Fair?!! Anyways ..what he doesnt know cant hurt him.. 'honey' ...

Me3 : oh shutup

Me2 : listen.. you're still the girlfriend right? .. you dint cheat on him or anything did you ..? .. how does it matter if deep down you dont like him a little(ermm.. hehERMM) bit?.. and You! .. shut UP for a while alright?

Me1 : okay.. okayy ... relax you madwoman...

Me3 : uhm...well in that case...

BOY : uh sesh , [insert endearment] (eww!) (oi ..be nice!),... are you alright honey, my [grosser endearment] (EWW!) (EWW! i agree! who Says that anymore?!!..eww..eww)... ?..you look distracted..

Me3 : oh.. its nothing .. i'm ..fine.. jus a lil headache thats all.. that pendant is Adorable ..you really shouldnt have ... i cant accept..

Me1 : damnitwoman...Thats not your line!!

Me3 : i kno i'm sorry .. kinda slipped out ..

BOY: what rubbish sesh! .. its yours. period...Now.. where were we ....

*ehmm.. snogging ensues*

--- end of flashback---

so this is the big secret ... the secret of why i cant have a relationship with anyone ... there's always someone (in me) who hates him..or detests him ..or is repulsed by the way he eats his eggs ... or..you get the picture..

so if any of my men happen to read this ... this is the point where they go ... Oh..Thats why she acts so crazy all the time!..if they havent already figured out that is .. and being men... well...